Sanada, Your Neighbourhood Cupid
by awintea
Summary: Sanada wished that he didn't have to be at Seigaku. He also wished that he didn't have to be wearing a toga and a pair of fluffy wings, but when Yukimura requested something, it was best not to argue. At all. For fear of horrible consequences / oneshot.


Bearing a one-shot after a very long time of inactivity, and for a good cause as well! I'm participating at help_japan on livejournal, a charity auction for aid after the Japan earthquake, and you can find my thread on my profile! Please consider bidding, or look through the other offers! There are a lot of talented people offering fic/art/graphics/miscellanea so go go go! (It's come to my attention that the link before wasn't working, so I've removed it (: )

**Sanada, Your Neighbourhood Cupid (OR: Are you injured? Because I swear you must have fallen from heaven.)  
**

Sanada _really_ wanted to be at home where it was calm and peaceful and quiet, instead of at loud and boisterous and disorganised Seigaku. He really did. He also wished that he wasn't wearing a white toga with fluffy feathered wings attached to it, with his bare feet bracing the torridity of the pavement. He hated having to hold a bow and five arrows with sharp pink hearts instead of arrowheads on them.

But when Yukimura requested something, it was best not to argue. At all. For fear of horrible consequences.

Clutching the arrows that Yukimura had bestowed upon him tightly, he sighed, readying himself for mortal (or rather, if he were to _really_ get into his role, immortal) embarrassment. He looked around for a victim of sorts. All Yukimura had asked was for him to shoot five arrows at five people. That was it. It wasn't a hard task, really. The only problem was being seen in such an outfit, even if it was given Yukimura's blessing.

He spotted a girl in a Seigaku uniform standing next to the school, and decided that she would be as good a target as any. Eros Sanada took his arrow and bow, aimed, and fired. And missed, hitting the wall directly beside the girl, who then stared straight at Sanada, who promptly ran away in a very cowardly fashion (that was definitely unfit for anybody from Rikkai; Sanada would never mention this lily-livered act to anyone), hoping he hadn't been seen.

Time to look for another person. Sanada heard some rustling in the bushes behind him. Rustling. That was never good. Having been around Niou too often ensured that Sanada was paranoid to an extent not heard of by most, and he immediately turned around, slinging three shots into the dratted bush. The rustling stopped, and Sanada was glad to know that he had hit something. Until a chubby cat crawled out of the bush, looking quite irritated. Sanada fled yet again.

The be-toga-ed man then spied the tennis courts, and felt inwardly glad. Tennis always induced a happy, carefree feeling in him (and of course, by happy and carefree he meant fervent yet determined because happy was too outward an emotion for Sanada to share with most people and the mere idea of a carefree Sanada was laughable – he had not become the vice-captain of the Rikkai boys' tennis team by being _carefree_). Sanada only had one arrow left, and if he just shot one of the people on the courts, he could run back to Yukimura and profess that he had done his job exceptionally.

Eros!Sanada prepared himself for the strange looks he would get, and strode with sweeping steps into the Seigaku tennis courts in his usual imposing manner. Of course, it was less impressive since he was wearing fluffy wings on his back. All the tennis players stopped what they were doing to stare with round, slightly frightened eyes at the toga-wearing spectacle.

Before anybody could question his presence, Sanada locked his eyes on a target – an egg-headed young man. He put up his bare arms, and aimed straight and true, determined to at least hit one person for Yukimura. He couldn't very well go back without doing so; the punishment would be worse than the embarrassment he was feeling. He let the arrow fly, and watched intently as the arrow hit Oishi Shuichirou straight on.

However, the effects were not ones that Sanada had expected.

**xxx**

Oishi blinked. He had felt a rather acute pain in his right shoulder just a moment ago, but suddenly, he wasn't in pain any more. It was rather strange; he was feeling rather light and dizzy, as if he had hit his head too hard on something.

'Oishi, you okay?' somebody immediately asked, running over. Oishi couldn't make out whose voice it was; the voice was kind of distorted and fuzzy and made Oishi wonder what the heck was wrong with him, since he couldn't hear things properly and perhaps he should go see the nurse, since he was feeling a bit loopy now and that couldn't be good.

'What's that on the ground?' another person asked. Oishi shook his head, trying to clear his mind, and realised that the person speaking was Fuji. The short brunet bent over, picking up an arrow that had a rather strange arrowhead.

'Hmm,' Fuji chuckled, twirling the arrow between his fingers as if it were a baton, 'seems like Oishi's been struck by Cupid.'

'What are you talking about, Fuji?' Oishi said, tilting his head to the left side and then the right, seeing if things would be clearer if he looked at them with a different perspective.

Things weren't any clearer.

Oishi glanced at his right shoulder, and saw a rather large pink mark on it, as if he had been hit by something. It certainly hadn't been there before. 'What's this?' he thought.

'I think that's where the arrow struck you,' Fuji informed Oishi. Oishi hadn't been aware that he had just thought aloud; he really was a bit loopy.

'You okay though, Oishi?' the first person – Oishi recognised him as Eiji this time – asked worriedly.

Oishi nodded to his doubles partner. 'I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts, Eiji,' Oishi replied, smiling. 'I'm feeling better already. I'll drop by the nurse's office just in...'

The third year's voice trailed off as he caught site of the most beautiful person he had _ever_ seen standing right in the middle of the tennis courts. He had raven-black hair that shimmered in the afternoon sun, and seemed like an angel, dressed in the purest white with actual _wings_.

This, Oishi decided immediately, feeling dizzy all over again, had to be love at first sight.

He knew the boy, Oishi realised, after a longer inspection. He was Sanada Genichirou, from Rikkai. Oishi didn't think to wonder about why this stunning specimen of a tennis player was standing on Seigaku courts, and instead made his way slowly to his fellow vice-captain.

Sanada looked a bit surprised. Oishi decided that it was probably because he wasn't used to being approached by people as normal as Oishi was; this Sanada, godlike in his magnificence, probably dined with Greek gods, drinking ambrosia and nectar as he laughed with them about the mundane happenings in the lives of mortals.

'Oishi-san, was it?' Sanada asked in a deep, sultry voice. Oishi felt faint. He knew his name.

'I apologise about the arrow,' Sanada continued, his back as straight as it could be and his head tilted down just slightly.

'I think I love you' was the only thing Oishi was able to say before he slumped to the floor, unconscious.

**xxx**

Sanada looked in horror at the crumpled body in front of him, not sure what he was supposed to do in such a situation.

He couldn't very well just run away – the people here knew who he was, and he'd never be able to show his face again in the tennis circles, which, really, were the only circles that mattered.

'Sanada-san?'

Sanada almost jumped when a petite hand was placed on his shoulder.

The boy chuckled – it was Fuji Shusuke. 'No need to be so startled.'

Sanada frowned at this smiling boy who seemed far too amused by Sanada's predicament.

On the contrary, one redhead was not smiling. He was leaning more towards an 'omigod Oishi just confessed to this guy cosplaying as an angel!' sort of mood. 'Fujiko! Who's this?' he demanded, pointing an accusing finger at Sanada, who desperately wished that he were back at Rikkai where all was safe and insanity such as this would have been dismissed as 'normal' – there was too much Kirihara and Niou and Marui at Rikkai for the students to be shocked by anything any more, really.

However, Sanada was not at Rikkai and it seemed that at Seigaku, strange costumes and bizarre events were not usually on the agenda.

'He's Sanada-san,' the short brunet informed the other one, 'from Rikkai. Don't you remember him, Eiji?'

The boy called Eiji shook his head, still frowning, though it really was more of a pout. Such pouts wouldn't work on Sanada though – he was around Kirihara far too much for that to happen.

'How do you know Oishi?' Eiji demanded immediately, glaring at Sanada with very fierce eyes, though he didn't look very intimidating.

'...I don't,' Sanada replied calmly, even though he wanted to fly away with his feathery wings.

Eiji then asked, finger still pointing at Sanada, though his arm was shaking, 'Then why did he say he loved you?'

'I do not know.' This was getting rather tiresome. Sanada had shot somebody, huzzah, so couldn't he just go back to Rikkai now?

'Why did you shoot him?'

'Because I was ordered to.'

'Who told you to?' The redhead was now shouting, and all attention was on him and Sanada. Sanada wanted to die, but it probably wasn't possible to die from embarrassment. 'Who told you to shoot Oishi?'

'There is a ninety-seven percent chance that his captain, Yukimura, was the one to order him to come to Seigaku,' said somebody from right behind Sanada, making Sanada almost jump up. But just almost. Sanada would not do something so unsightly. (Unless he was ordered by Yukimura, because Sanada would do anything for his captain, of course.)

Sanada turned around to see a bespectacled young man with spiky black hair – Renji's friend, Inui. Before Sanada could confirm Inui's statement, Inui continued, 'There is an eighty percent chance that Yukimura had sent Sanada here to scout out the competition.'

Inui couldn't have been more wrong – Yukimura just liked seeing Sanada suffer. Actually, Yukimura just liked seeing everybody suffer, really. Sanada tried to smile (though it was more of a grimace; his smile muscles were dreadfully out of shape) and replied stiffly, 'That is correct.' He tugged on his toga a bit; the sun was shining down and though the cloth was white, it was quite heavy and was making him sweat.

'Inuiiii,' Eiji whined, clinging onto the data player's side, 'fix Oishi!'

But before Inui could reply, Oishi woke up.

**xxx**

It was very bright. Everything was very bright – even with his eyes closed, light was shining through. Oishi opened his eyes slowly, unsure of what to expect.

Oishi was flat on his back, looking up at a too blue sky with no clouds to block his view. How had he gotten here? What had happened? He blinked and let out a quiet groan – there was a strange ache in his shoulder.

'Are you okay?' The voice was low, a deep velvety timbre that would have made Oishi swoon if he weren't already lying down on pavement. He felt faint just from hearing it, though that might have been the fact that he had just woken up from a faint.

Oishi then caught sight of the owner of the voice, and decided that he must have died, because the angel in front of him couldn't exist on a mortal plane.

He then decided to voice his thoughts out loud.

'How did I die?' he asked simply, sitting up and rubbing his shoulder. It still kinda hurt, but now it was a lesser pain – dulled, of course, by the wondrous feast for the ears that was the mellifluous voice. The angel looked at him with alarmed eyes, and spoke. Oishi didn't even hear what he said, too busy staring. If he looked away for a moment, the angel might have disappeared, so he persisted, even though his eyes were watering from leaving them open too long.

And the angel was staring right back at him, his dark eyes boring straight into Oishi's soul, making the less energetic half of the Golden Pair feel as if he were being X-rayed.

Oishi still had to stare back though; he had no choice in the matter. The angel's face was so grave, yet so beautiful, as if it had been carved out of stone by a divine creator. Oishi wondered what the angel would look like if he smiled. His lips were pressed together tightly in a small frown, and Oishi couldn't help but speculate about what it would feel like to kiss such lips.

Oishi stood up hesitantly, sure that his legs would give way if he got up too fast, and decided to find out.

'Are you listeninmmph.' The beautiful man's words were cut off as Oishi's lips smashed into his in an inelegant manner. Oishi could hear nothing except a slight ringing in his ears, his eyes closed in heavenly bliss.

In his little bubble of heaven, the egg-headed man of course did not notice Eiji's shrieks, the tennis club member's gasps, or Inui's quiet but ominous mutter of '_ii data_'.

If this was heaven, being dead really wasn't that bad, Oishi thought. Kissing felt good. Kissing felt nice. Kissing made him feel kind of faint too, actually, but not the sort of faint you get from being overwhelmed but rather, the sort of faint one gets from ... well, wanting to keel over. Oishi, having never kissed anyone before (really, kissing could give you _all sorts of diseases _and it was _looked down upon_ by the school and that was _bad _and for God's sakes they were still in _middle school_!), forgot that even when your mouth was occupied, you could still breathe through your nose.

And so Oishi fainted for the second time that day, slumping to the floor, leaving Sanada with his mouth wide open (and his lips feeling a bit bruised).

**xxx**

'You _sucked out his souuuuuuuul_!'

Sanada stood firm even as Eiji tried to shake him. It was a bit like having a yippy dog barking at his feet.

'Give Oishi back! You – you fake angel!' Eiji was completely distraught after seeing his doubles partner faint for the second time that day. 'Look at what you've done!' He pointed at Oishi, tears pooling up in his eyes. A bit early in the game for that, Sanada thought – Kirihara usually kept the tears as his secret weapon, and only used them when he really had to.

Eiji's hysterics had _nothing_ on Kirihara's, so Sanada found it quite easy to be objective about the situation and not lose his calm. It helped that he was so used to having strange and horrendous things happen to him at Rikkai that things like this were 'not a big deal, really', as Marui had told him when Sanada found all of his school notes dyed a very lovely pink, bordering on lilac. (It had been Niou, Sanada was sure of it, but he still did not have any proof. Of course, he made Niou run laps anyway, though only ten of them – Yukimura had thought the prank funny and so had lessened Niou's punishment.) Bearing with unexpected bouts of unconsciousness and helpless sobbing (calculated or otherwise) was just part of the job as vice-captain.

'Actually, Kikumaru-senpai,' someone said, sounding bored, 'I think Oishi was the one doing most of the sucking.' Both Sanada and Eiji looked over – Sanada with a bit of 'thank God, someone sane!' and Eiji with a bit of 'oh my God who's that filthy traitor speaking right now?' – to see Echizen Ryoma, cap on his head and smirk on his face. 'Can we get back to practice now?'

'Ochibi!' Eiji said, sounding distraught and betrayed. A bit like a Desperate Housewife, actually (and the only reason Sanada could make that reference was because Yukimura liked company when he watched foreign television). 'How can you say that? Oishi's _dead_ and all you can think about is _tennis_!' He threw his hands up in anguish, which was definitely a mistake on his part. On the Rikkai courts, you never let go of your prisoner in any circumstance. Inwardly, Sanada shook his head at this unprofessionalism.

'Tennis is important,' Ryoma said matter-of-factly, as if tennis were a god who should take priority over everything from the inhalation and exhalation of air to the sudden swooning of a teammate. After a moment: 'And Oishi-senpai's not dead.'

'I can't believe you don't care more about Oishi! He's a _zombie_ now – '

' – he's not a zombie, senpai – '

' – and you aren't doing anything to avenge him! You should beat that evil archangel to a pulp! Smash his face in with a tennis ball! Take him into a dark alleyway and – '

' – I really don't think that's appropriate, senpai – '

' – we should kill the devil and send him back to Hell!' Eiji finished, apparently running out of breath.s

'Kikumaru-senpai?'

'What?' Eiji's eyes were narrow in righteous anger. 'Have you decided to take revenge for your teammate?'

'No. It's just that the angel guy left. Plus, Oishi-senpai got back up and he looks okay.'

And while Ryoma was saying this, Sanada had already sneakily gotten off the courts, and was tunnelling through a bush to freedom. Any Rikkai tennis club member knew that there were situations from which you had to back down and run away like a little girl, and this, Sanada had decided, was one of them.

Hopefully he'd never have to relive this experience again, but you never knew, with Yukimura as a captain.

**xxx**

'What happened?' Oishi asked groggily, sitting on the bench beside the courts. 'I can't – it's all a blur.'

A blur of white light and feathers, he didn't add, because then Eiji might think he was still delirious from whatever had occurred.

Eiji didn't answer though, just wrapping his arms around Oishi tightly. 'I'm so glad you're okay, Oishi!'

'Was... was someone here?' he asked, trying to get an image in his mind. There was a statuesque figure, swathed in cloth, and a halo of light around the man's head.

'Don't worry about it, Oishi,' Eiji replied into Oishi's shoulder, voice muffled. 'Just forget about it.' **x owari**

**x omake**

Which is what Oishi would have done, and what Sanada had hoped to do, when a very interesting photo appeared in the sports magazine that Inoue-san worked for.

**SPOTTED! MYSTERIOUS WOMAN SNEAKING OFF SEIGAKU COURTS!**

And there was a picture of what appeared to be a woman – at least you'd assume that, since the figure was wearing what looked like a white dress – with only the bottom half of her visible as she crawled through the bushes.

Apparently, Sanada hadn't been quite as sneaky as he thought.

With a deep furrow between his brows, Sanada looked at the Rikkai tennis team's bulletin board, where multiple copies of the article were posted.

'NIOU!'

Not even a hundred laps would be enough to make Niou regret sharing this ridiculous article with the rest of the club, but it would be a start.

**xxx**

And there it is - a full-fledged cracky fic (: I hope you enjoyed, and please review if you did (and even if you didn't, because I'd love your feedback)! Once again, please do check out my offer and the offers of other people at help_japan on livejournal! -awintea


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